I was sitting in the lounge last night, sipping a beer and chatting with the other customers...a few regulars, a few guests...they typical Thursday night crowd. The subject of relationships came up and of course I was quick to point out all the benefits of being polyamorous. Love, love, love! And in the logical part of my brain, I believe what I am saying. The concept fits perfectly with the kind of life that I want and the type of relationships I find ideal.
It's just....
I totally FAIL at it in reality.
In fact, one of the last things I said (shouted) to my former partner was, "I AM NOT FUCKING POLY!"
The problem isn't that I don't have enough love to share. Or that I have some deep-seated religious objection. Or that I have a problem sharing my body with multiple partners. No....my problem is that very simple, yet insidious, green-eyed monster that feeds on my lack of self-esteem and confidence.
Have you ever seen the Syfy series called Haven? In one of the Season 5 episodes, Duke Crocker loses control and Troubles pour out of his body. Slimy...black...evil. They stream out in uncontrollable waves, like globs of bloody tar. That's kind of how I picture my jealousy; a vile and uncontrollable beast inside me that bursts out and infects people with my malevolence. It starts with that 'kicked in the gut' feeling; a hollow sort of agony that builds and waves outward until my stomach is literally dry-heaving with the pain. Then comes the heat as my whole body starts to burn from the inside out. My lungs forget they are supposed to be breathing and my body seizes up with tension. In that moment, I am nothing more than a volatile beast on the brink of explosion. Sometimes what bursts out is tears; sometimes hurtful words. Usually it is both and I let them flow as free and as far as they desire with no regard to the consequences. Just like those Troubles, they pour from my eyes and mouth. Evil globs of animosity and accusation flung in every direction until they paint my world black.
I know that sounds melodramatic. Maybe even slightly exaggerated for effect. Trust me, I wish that I could say that I was embellishing for the sake of making my tale more interesting. But...unfortunately...I'm not. My 'normal' emotional state is one of extremes due to what the lovely doctors define as bipolar depressive disorder. (I'm warning you now though - if you EVER say I am being bipolar I will kick you in the ass! Haha) I believe that is why already intense emotions have such an effect on me physically. What would feel like an emotional pin prick to some, feels like a bullet in the brain to me. I have never lived in the comfortable world of happy mediums and I wouldn't know how if I tried. However, that isn't very helpful when it comes to being in a relationship, let alone a polyamorous one(s).
I've tried several ways to conquer my emotions and maintain control, but they never seem to work very well. For example, I know that 5 to 7 days before I am due to start menstruating my hormone levels spike in a way that make ANY sort of control impossible. I cry at potato chip commercials. I get steaming mad and bitchy over little things. (Picture that crazy woman screaming for 15 minutes at the McDonald's worker for putting dirty hands inside her French fry box. Yep. That's me.) So I keep very close track of my cycle and will actually cut off all contact with partners for a few days when necessary. That only works so well though because something invariably comes up. Either my partner will need me or they aren't comfortable with losing contact and feel abandoned so the lines of communication get opened again and all hell breaks loose.
I've also tried the "don't ask, don't tell" method. I know this seems contradictory to the concept of polyamory, but I am not asking for lies. I am not asking for monogamy. I just don't want to know ANYTHING unless I specifically ask you. The theory being if I don't know that you are going on a date with that blonde you've been drooling over for weeks, then I can't be jealous. If I never hear about your other relationships or meet your other lovers, then I can simply pretend that they don't exist. Simple solution right? Eh...you'd be surprised at how easy it is to let a small phrase slip out. It can be something as insignificant as mentioning that the tacos you had last week at the same restaurant weren't nearly as good. Suddenly a whirling hurricane of questions are going through my mind. "Tacos? You had tacos? Who with? When? Did you fuck her after dinner? Do you like her more than me? Are you going to want to spend more time with her than me? Why are you taking someone to OUR taco place!?!" Over and over, round and round.
I've even tried the pharmaceutical route. Depakote. Cymbalta. Prozac. Birth control even because bipolar disorder is hugely affected by hormone imbalance. There was a point in time that I took three pills a day in an attempt to even out my moods swings and make me "normal." It didn't. The best it did was downgrade the intensity of my rollercoaster rides; it did not stop the ride from occurring or alter the number of climbs and/or drops.
And yes...I've tried the Poly mantra method - communication, communication, communication! Gag me. How many times do you need to hear about my insecurities after all? Yes - I know they are there. In fact, I've figured out a lot of the triggers and sometimes manage to avoid them. The problem I have with this however, is that I can tell you in a million ways how and why I am jealous - but when it comes down to that moment - that split second when information hits my brain and immediately sends signals screaming out to the rest of my body - it still doesn't help me control the intense flood of emotion and physical distress. Even if I wait until the initial tsunami has passed, any sort of conversation can turn into a Duke Crocker-like spewing event.
So what solution is there that would really work for me? Our maybe there isn't one and I need to stick with being either a single swinger or monogamous girlfriend. I truly want to make it work... to be able to share love freely between multiple partners and partners of those partners. Not necessarily a physical love - but I want to be able to be supportive and kind to anyone my partner is involved with. I don't want to be the evil beast of jealous rage. So how do I get there? How do I stop that fierce wash of emotion enough to think logically and make better decisions?
