I was sitting in the lounge last night, sipping a beer and chatting with the other customers...a few regulars, a few guests...they typical Thursday night crowd. The subject of relationships came up and of course I was quick to point out all the benefits of being polyamorous. Love, love, love! And in the logical part of my brain, I believe what I am saying. The concept fits perfectly with the kind of life that I want and the type of relationships I find ideal.
It's just....
I totally FAIL at it in reality.
In fact, one of the last things I said (shouted) to my former partner was, "I AM NOT FUCKING POLY!"
The problem isn't that I don't have enough love to share. Or that I have some deep-seated religious objection. Or that I have a problem sharing my body with multiple partners. No....my problem is that very simple, yet insidious, green-eyed monster that feeds on my lack of self-esteem and confidence.
Have you ever seen the Syfy series called Haven? In one of the Season 5 episodes, Duke Crocker loses control and Troubles pour out of his body. Slimy...black...evil. They stream out in uncontrollable waves, like globs of bloody tar. That's kind of how I picture my jealousy; a vile and uncontrollable beast inside me that bursts out and infects people with my malevolence. It starts with that 'kicked in the gut' feeling; a hollow sort of agony that builds and waves outward until my stomach is literally dry-heaving with the pain. Then comes the heat as my whole body starts to burn from the inside out. My lungs forget they are supposed to be breathing and my body seizes up with tension. In that moment, I am nothing more than a volatile beast on the brink of explosion. Sometimes what bursts out is tears; sometimes hurtful words. Usually it is both and I let them flow as free and as far as they desire with no regard to the consequences. Just like those Troubles, they pour from my eyes and mouth. Evil globs of animosity and accusation flung in every direction until they paint my world black.
I know that sounds melodramatic. Maybe even slightly exaggerated for effect. Trust me, I wish that I could say that I was embellishing for the sake of making my tale more interesting. But...unfortunately...I'm not. My 'normal' emotional state is one of extremes due to what the lovely doctors define as bipolar depressive disorder. (I'm warning you now though - if you EVER say I am being bipolar I will kick you in the ass! Haha) I believe that is why already intense emotions have such an effect on me physically. What would feel like an emotional pin prick to some, feels like a bullet in the brain to me. I have never lived in the comfortable world of happy mediums and I wouldn't know how if I tried. However, that isn't very helpful when it comes to being in a relationship, let alone a polyamorous one(s).
I've tried several ways to conquer my emotions and maintain control, but they never seem to work very well. For example, I know that 5 to 7 days before I am due to start menstruating my hormone levels spike in a way that make ANY sort of control impossible. I cry at potato chip commercials. I get steaming mad and bitchy over little things. (Picture that crazy woman screaming for 15 minutes at the McDonald's worker for putting dirty hands inside her French fry box. Yep. That's me.) So I keep very close track of my cycle and will actually cut off all contact with partners for a few days when necessary. That only works so well though because something invariably comes up. Either my partner will need me or they aren't comfortable with losing contact and feel abandoned so the lines of communication get opened again and all hell breaks loose.
I've also tried the "don't ask, don't tell" method. I know this seems contradictory to the concept of polyamory, but I am not asking for lies. I am not asking for monogamy. I just don't want to know ANYTHING unless I specifically ask you. The theory being if I don't know that you are going on a date with that blonde you've been drooling over for weeks, then I can't be jealous. If I never hear about your other relationships or meet your other lovers, then I can simply pretend that they don't exist. Simple solution right? Eh...you'd be surprised at how easy it is to let a small phrase slip out. It can be something as insignificant as mentioning that the tacos you had last week at the same restaurant weren't nearly as good. Suddenly a whirling hurricane of questions are going through my mind. "Tacos? You had tacos? Who with? When? Did you fuck her after dinner? Do you like her more than me? Are you going to want to spend more time with her than me? Why are you taking someone to OUR taco place!?!" Over and over, round and round.
I've even tried the pharmaceutical route. Depakote. Cymbalta. Prozac. Birth control even because bipolar disorder is hugely affected by hormone imbalance. There was a point in time that I took three pills a day in an attempt to even out my moods swings and make me "normal." It didn't. The best it did was downgrade the intensity of my rollercoaster rides; it did not stop the ride from occurring or alter the number of climbs and/or drops.
And yes...I've tried the Poly mantra method - communication, communication, communication! Gag me. How many times do you need to hear about my insecurities after all? Yes - I know they are there. In fact, I've figured out a lot of the triggers and sometimes manage to avoid them. The problem I have with this however, is that I can tell you in a million ways how and why I am jealous - but when it comes down to that moment - that split second when information hits my brain and immediately sends signals screaming out to the rest of my body - it still doesn't help me control the intense flood of emotion and physical distress. Even if I wait until the initial tsunami has passed, any sort of conversation can turn into a Duke Crocker-like spewing event.
So what solution is there that would really work for me? Our maybe there isn't one and I need to stick with being either a single swinger or monogamous girlfriend. I truly want to make it work... to be able to share love freely between multiple partners and partners of those partners. Not necessarily a physical love - but I want to be able to be supportive and kind to anyone my partner is involved with. I don't want to be the evil beast of jealous rage. So how do I get there? How do I stop that fierce wash of emotion enough to think logically and make better decisions?
Monday, February 6, 2017
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Psycho 101
Is there a class you can take on how to deal with someone who is.....okay - maybe not psycho - but definitely manipulative, conniving, and self-destructive? Please - SIGN ME UP!
Can I just say that this was pretty much the weekend from hell?
It started out really well if you count the beginning at Thursday. That's the day Shaine came over to watch movies and hang out with me and the boys. While the original message also contained an invitation to...mmmm...be naughty, soccer practice was cancelled and therefore so was the privacy to carry out that portion of the invite. So all we did was sit on the couch and watch The Dictator.
He rubbed my thigh - slow, lazy circles with just a fingertip - the kind you feel all the more because you barely feel it. He played with my hand the same way, teasing and tickling and barely holding it. After that movie was over we moved into my bedroom to watch American Reunion (because Daemon wanted to sleep on the couch.) Even laying on my bed, with the privacy of the door shut, all he did was lay on my lap and squeeze my thigh occasionally. Not that I didn't move him into my room with ulterior motives....but he didn't seem to get the hint!
Pretty soon it was 10 minutes after eleven and he had to leave to go to work. I decided at that point that I'd had enough of the nice girl routine and planted a big, wet kiss on him. A long, slow, sexy wet kiss (that...uuhhumm....obviously aroused him. *wink wink*) Then he kissed me. Then I kissed him. Then we both groaned and retreated to our separate corners. hehehehehe.
After he left for work, he continued to text me for a time. We decided that he would come over in the morning after the kids had left for school and there was privacy to do more than kiss before it was my turn to leave for work. That, however, did not work out. He ended up calling me the next morning and cancelling because he "was stinky and sweaty from work." Grrr!!!
So right there Friday was starting out as a huge disappointment. Then Brenden left to a friend's house and I got stuck at home all night with Daemon and Alex and nothing to do. Until almost 3 a.m. when BOTH Shaine and Gene texted me. At that point, I was sorta seething inside. I am/was sick and tired of Gene always and ONLY calling me when he is drunk and wants in my bed. He doesn't ask me to go to the bar with him - nope. He just wants somewhere to go when he strikes out on asking other women at the bar. So - yes - I was in a VERY pissy mood about the whole thing. So I told Gene not to come over. Shaine decided he was too drunk to drive that far - so I went to bed alone and pissed off at them both.
Saturday I sent a text to Shaine telling him that I was mildly annoyed that he had "stood me up" twice in a row and he needed to make it up to me. :) So we made plans to hang out later that night - after I dropped the kids off at the babysitter's house. We ended up going to Your Bar (yeah, I know...funny name for a bar, right?) and playing pool while having a few drinks. My mom and Scott showed up unexpectedly so I even had someone to dance with. I was having a GREAT time.
Until Gene.
After he got out of work he texted me and asked what I was doing, so I told him I was out with Shaine. To say he blew a gasket and completely lost his mind would be putting it mildly. Geesh! Constant text messages from him saying really stupid and mean things. He wanted to know what bar I was at, was I going to go to bed with him, was I this, was I that...on and on and on.
Then he started the whole - "If you love me the way I love you then you won't go home with him tonight."
After that is was - "If you go home with him tonight we are over and I will never see you again."
Then - "Fine. If you aren't going to answer me then I am going to get very drunk and ride my motorcycle. Hopefully I will find enough pain to take away the pain I am feeling right now."
Eventually he actually stalked me at the bar and caused a huge scene outside. Totally embarrassing! Shaine was super cool about it, but....nightmare city. And even after Gene left he continued to send me text messages almost the entire night. I had to shut my phone off just to get a little peace and quiet.
The next morning I had fifty tons of text messages that went from pleading to basically threatening suicide. Which would normally make me feel guilty...but remember I've been in his phone. I've seen his text messages. He has even confirmed that he had sex with another woman just last weekend - after he had been intimate with me the night before and then again the night after. So WHY should I feel guilty when he has made it Extremely clear that he wants to date other women? In fact, I asked him specifically how he felt about me dating other men and he replied that he was fine with it as long as he was still able to see me too. So....NO GUILT!
Okay...maybe a tiny bit of guilt. Not for going home with Shaine instead of Gene - but because a tiny part of me did it out of vindictive revenge. I wanted Gene to know how it felt. After he's done it to me sooooooo many times that part of me did a little jig inside knowing he was even partly as miserable as I always was.
That guilt is what kept me kissing his butt all day Sunday too. I spent the entire day with him, just laying around in his bed watching TV and listening to him be incredibly mean to me. Every other sentence out of his mouth was one hurtful statement or another. It was driving me insane - but I stuck it out. I even took him out to lunch at Subway and then out to a movie later that evening. And he spent the night at my house, both Sunday night and last night.
One day of butt kissing is enough though. I am over it - and over the situation. I don't want to stop seeing Shaine....and to be honest with every moment Gene spends blaming me for life's problems and generally putting me down is another moment closer to not wanting to be with him at all.
I guess we will see how things go from here.
Can I just say that this was pretty much the weekend from hell?
It started out really well if you count the beginning at Thursday. That's the day Shaine came over to watch movies and hang out with me and the boys. While the original message also contained an invitation to...mmmm...be naughty, soccer practice was cancelled and therefore so was the privacy to carry out that portion of the invite. So all we did was sit on the couch and watch The Dictator.
He rubbed my thigh - slow, lazy circles with just a fingertip - the kind you feel all the more because you barely feel it. He played with my hand the same way, teasing and tickling and barely holding it. After that movie was over we moved into my bedroom to watch American Reunion (because Daemon wanted to sleep on the couch.) Even laying on my bed, with the privacy of the door shut, all he did was lay on my lap and squeeze my thigh occasionally. Not that I didn't move him into my room with ulterior motives....but he didn't seem to get the hint!
Pretty soon it was 10 minutes after eleven and he had to leave to go to work. I decided at that point that I'd had enough of the nice girl routine and planted a big, wet kiss on him. A long, slow, sexy wet kiss (that...uuhhumm....obviously aroused him. *wink wink*) Then he kissed me. Then I kissed him. Then we both groaned and retreated to our separate corners. hehehehehe.
After he left for work, he continued to text me for a time. We decided that he would come over in the morning after the kids had left for school and there was privacy to do more than kiss before it was my turn to leave for work. That, however, did not work out. He ended up calling me the next morning and cancelling because he "was stinky and sweaty from work." Grrr!!!
So right there Friday was starting out as a huge disappointment. Then Brenden left to a friend's house and I got stuck at home all night with Daemon and Alex and nothing to do. Until almost 3 a.m. when BOTH Shaine and Gene texted me. At that point, I was sorta seething inside. I am/was sick and tired of Gene always and ONLY calling me when he is drunk and wants in my bed. He doesn't ask me to go to the bar with him - nope. He just wants somewhere to go when he strikes out on asking other women at the bar. So - yes - I was in a VERY pissy mood about the whole thing. So I told Gene not to come over. Shaine decided he was too drunk to drive that far - so I went to bed alone and pissed off at them both.
Saturday I sent a text to Shaine telling him that I was mildly annoyed that he had "stood me up" twice in a row and he needed to make it up to me. :) So we made plans to hang out later that night - after I dropped the kids off at the babysitter's house. We ended up going to Your Bar (yeah, I know...funny name for a bar, right?) and playing pool while having a few drinks. My mom and Scott showed up unexpectedly so I even had someone to dance with. I was having a GREAT time.
Until Gene.
After he got out of work he texted me and asked what I was doing, so I told him I was out with Shaine. To say he blew a gasket and completely lost his mind would be putting it mildly. Geesh! Constant text messages from him saying really stupid and mean things. He wanted to know what bar I was at, was I going to go to bed with him, was I this, was I that...on and on and on.
Then he started the whole - "If you love me the way I love you then you won't go home with him tonight."
After that is was - "If you go home with him tonight we are over and I will never see you again."
Then - "Fine. If you aren't going to answer me then I am going to get very drunk and ride my motorcycle. Hopefully I will find enough pain to take away the pain I am feeling right now."
Eventually he actually stalked me at the bar and caused a huge scene outside. Totally embarrassing! Shaine was super cool about it, but....nightmare city. And even after Gene left he continued to send me text messages almost the entire night. I had to shut my phone off just to get a little peace and quiet.
The next morning I had fifty tons of text messages that went from pleading to basically threatening suicide. Which would normally make me feel guilty...but remember I've been in his phone. I've seen his text messages. He has even confirmed that he had sex with another woman just last weekend - after he had been intimate with me the night before and then again the night after. So WHY should I feel guilty when he has made it Extremely clear that he wants to date other women? In fact, I asked him specifically how he felt about me dating other men and he replied that he was fine with it as long as he was still able to see me too. So....NO GUILT!
Okay...maybe a tiny bit of guilt. Not for going home with Shaine instead of Gene - but because a tiny part of me did it out of vindictive revenge. I wanted Gene to know how it felt. After he's done it to me sooooooo many times that part of me did a little jig inside knowing he was even partly as miserable as I always was.
That guilt is what kept me kissing his butt all day Sunday too. I spent the entire day with him, just laying around in his bed watching TV and listening to him be incredibly mean to me. Every other sentence out of his mouth was one hurtful statement or another. It was driving me insane - but I stuck it out. I even took him out to lunch at Subway and then out to a movie later that evening. And he spent the night at my house, both Sunday night and last night.
One day of butt kissing is enough though. I am over it - and over the situation. I don't want to stop seeing Shaine....and to be honest with every moment Gene spends blaming me for life's problems and generally putting me down is another moment closer to not wanting to be with him at all.
I guess we will see how things go from here.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
New day....new drama...
So I spent all day Thursday obsessing about the whole "text for sex" thing...only to end up right back where I started in the beginning. Go figure.
He normally works 2nd shift, but he took Friday off to fix his brakes. So after I got out of work we went on a date. :) And it was a really nice date too! We had a wonderful dinner at Chili's...knowing each other as well as we do means there was plenty to talk about, plenty to tease each other about, so the conversation was entertaining. He was also very attentive - he held the door open for me at the restaurant, opened the car door for me, and all that jazz.
After dinner we went to the theater and watch The Looper. While the movie was kind of slow and boring - it felt nice to sit there and just enjoy being together. The Cinema happens to have the seats with armrests that can be lifted up so he moved ours out of the way and snuggled up to me. In fact, he held either my hand or my thigh through the entire show.
After the movie we talked about going out for a drink but neither of us was really in the mood - so we went to the video store, rented a couple of movies, and spent the rest of the night cuddling in bed. All in all it was a fantastic night.
Saturday he texted me a couple of times, but I was out with someone else and I have no clue what he was up to.
Sunday he came to our son's soccer game - even though it down-poured the entire hour and a half - then took Daemon home with him for a few hours of visitation. He brought him back about 8 o'clock...then pouted and pretty-pleased until I said I would go back to his house with him to watch some zombie show. Eww...that's all I can say. Zombies = not my thing. I didn't mind too much though cuz - again - we got to sit on the couch and just cuddle. Plus I had a chance to say hi to his nieces....give them hugs and kisses...which always makes my day. :)
Sounds kinda drama free and awesome right? It was! BUT...it only lasts for 2 seconds at a time. lol.
Today I found out that he put his profile back up on an online dating site. One that he specifically told me that he had deleted it from and wouldn't be going back on. LIES, LIES, LIES!!! His excuse though is that 1.) He was bored. and 2.) I said I was going to date other people so he figured it was okay.
Well - it is okay. That is the funniest part of this whole saga....I am OKAY!!! Yes - I would like to have him all to myself - have him be the man that I want him to be...but that isn't going to happen and I am finally smart enough to figure that out. So I flat out told him today that I don't care if he is on there or not. I am going to date whoever I want - go to bed with whoever I want - as long as he continues to still see other women and text other women for sex. "You get what you give" is exactly what I said. No way in hell am I sitting around crying my eyes out over him this time...don't even WANT to! (Mmmm....and part of that may be Shaine - but we will leave him for another day. lol)
The point is though - I am so much more confident in myself these days - and it makes me so less vulnerable to his garbage. And that makes me want to jump for joy and shout it from the rooftops!
Go me, go me, GO ME!!!!!! :)
He normally works 2nd shift, but he took Friday off to fix his brakes. So after I got out of work we went on a date. :) And it was a really nice date too! We had a wonderful dinner at Chili's...knowing each other as well as we do means there was plenty to talk about, plenty to tease each other about, so the conversation was entertaining. He was also very attentive - he held the door open for me at the restaurant, opened the car door for me, and all that jazz.
After dinner we went to the theater and watch The Looper. While the movie was kind of slow and boring - it felt nice to sit there and just enjoy being together. The Cinema happens to have the seats with armrests that can be lifted up so he moved ours out of the way and snuggled up to me. In fact, he held either my hand or my thigh through the entire show.
After the movie we talked about going out for a drink but neither of us was really in the mood - so we went to the video store, rented a couple of movies, and spent the rest of the night cuddling in bed. All in all it was a fantastic night.
Saturday he texted me a couple of times, but I was out with someone else and I have no clue what he was up to.
Sunday he came to our son's soccer game - even though it down-poured the entire hour and a half - then took Daemon home with him for a few hours of visitation. He brought him back about 8 o'clock...then pouted and pretty-pleased until I said I would go back to his house with him to watch some zombie show. Eww...that's all I can say. Zombies = not my thing. I didn't mind too much though cuz - again - we got to sit on the couch and just cuddle. Plus I had a chance to say hi to his nieces....give them hugs and kisses...which always makes my day. :)
Sounds kinda drama free and awesome right? It was! BUT...it only lasts for 2 seconds at a time. lol.
Today I found out that he put his profile back up on an online dating site. One that he specifically told me that he had deleted it from and wouldn't be going back on. LIES, LIES, LIES!!! His excuse though is that 1.) He was bored. and 2.) I said I was going to date other people so he figured it was okay.
Well - it is okay. That is the funniest part of this whole saga....I am OKAY!!! Yes - I would like to have him all to myself - have him be the man that I want him to be...but that isn't going to happen and I am finally smart enough to figure that out. So I flat out told him today that I don't care if he is on there or not. I am going to date whoever I want - go to bed with whoever I want - as long as he continues to still see other women and text other women for sex. "You get what you give" is exactly what I said. No way in hell am I sitting around crying my eyes out over him this time...don't even WANT to! (Mmmm....and part of that may be Shaine - but we will leave him for another day. lol)
The point is though - I am so much more confident in myself these days - and it makes me so less vulnerable to his garbage. And that makes me want to jump for joy and shout it from the rooftops!
Go me, go me, GO ME!!!!!! :)
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Text Message No-No's....
So....feel free to ignore any and all posts on this blog. I just need a place to vent - and for some reason online journaling seems to work for me. Mostly because I prefer to type than pick up a pencil or pen and I still want something that I can look back on in a year or so and say "What in the world was I thinking?" :p
Anyway....
The inspiration behind today's post is...text messages. More specifically - text messages that were not intended for your eyes, but for someone else's. A word of advice here - which I am sure has been given by others many times over - do NOT go through a guy's cell phone unless you are prepared for what you might see. I guess someone should have beaten that into my head just a little bit better...because I ignored that oh-so-wise advice this morning. And trust me - I did NOT like what I saw. :(
To me he sends (Sunday, September 30th at 10:52 a.m.) "I want to be with you. I have from the first time I met you."
Sweet, right? Makes your heart melt and you get all gushy inside. As did the special dates...trips to The Oasis Hot Tub Garden, a night at the casino and hotel, text messages in the middle of the night asking me to cuddle with him, and all that jazz.
Then this morning I get a phone call from him at 4:45 a.m. and he is drunk as a skunk, but wants to come over. Which he did....and it was AWESOME. Well, it was awesome until he fell asleep on top of my cellphone. I needed to know what time it was (to put my son on the bus), so I grabbed his phone to check.
What can I say....there was the proverbial angel on one shoulder saying, "No, no, don't do it!" and the devil on the other saying, "Eh, might as well know for sure if he is lying again."
No surprises there. He lies.
Right as he was sending text messages to me to come over to my house - he was sending the same damn text to his ex-girlfriend. Now doesn't that make me feel oh so special! Bleh!!!!
So f course I confronted him about it. Woke him up out of a dead sleep in fact to kick him out of my house and bed. :) At which point he pretended to be all innocent - until I mentioned that I had SEEN the text message. Grrr!!! His excuse = he was drunk. He tells me that he hasn't been there and that he would never have sent the message if he wasn't completely shit-faced. My cousin and I have a phrase for situations like this...we yell "Bullshit Flag!" If any situation demanded a bullshit flag - this would be it.
The funny thing is - even though I know he is lying - I can't seem to make myself care. I am more worried that he is going to stop talking to me or stop seeing me than I am about whether he is seeing her too. And for that I feel like a completely pathetic loser.How in the world did I end up in this place again???? Just how much can you take from a guy before you really, truly stop loving him?
I wish I knew! And I wish love had a damn off switch!!!!!!!
Anyway....
The inspiration behind today's post is...text messages. More specifically - text messages that were not intended for your eyes, but for someone else's. A word of advice here - which I am sure has been given by others many times over - do NOT go through a guy's cell phone unless you are prepared for what you might see. I guess someone should have beaten that into my head just a little bit better...because I ignored that oh-so-wise advice this morning. And trust me - I did NOT like what I saw. :(
To me he sends (Sunday, September 30th at 10:52 a.m.) "I want to be with you. I have from the first time I met you."
Sweet, right? Makes your heart melt and you get all gushy inside. As did the special dates...trips to The Oasis Hot Tub Garden, a night at the casino and hotel, text messages in the middle of the night asking me to cuddle with him, and all that jazz.
Then this morning I get a phone call from him at 4:45 a.m. and he is drunk as a skunk, but wants to come over. Which he did....and it was AWESOME. Well, it was awesome until he fell asleep on top of my cellphone. I needed to know what time it was (to put my son on the bus), so I grabbed his phone to check.
What can I say....there was the proverbial angel on one shoulder saying, "No, no, don't do it!" and the devil on the other saying, "Eh, might as well know for sure if he is lying again."
No surprises there. He lies.
Right as he was sending text messages to me to come over to my house - he was sending the same damn text to his ex-girlfriend. Now doesn't that make me feel oh so special! Bleh!!!!
So f course I confronted him about it. Woke him up out of a dead sleep in fact to kick him out of my house and bed. :) At which point he pretended to be all innocent - until I mentioned that I had SEEN the text message. Grrr!!! His excuse = he was drunk. He tells me that he hasn't been there and that he would never have sent the message if he wasn't completely shit-faced. My cousin and I have a phrase for situations like this...we yell "Bullshit Flag!" If any situation demanded a bullshit flag - this would be it.
The funny thing is - even though I know he is lying - I can't seem to make myself care. I am more worried that he is going to stop talking to me or stop seeing me than I am about whether he is seeing her too. And for that I feel like a completely pathetic loser.How in the world did I end up in this place again???? Just how much can you take from a guy before you really, truly stop loving him?
I wish I knew! And I wish love had a damn off switch!!!!!!!
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